With my finger on the pulse of current affairs, I’ve decided to write about what the entire world has been discussing1 – namely the second in an occasional series about moving to London.
You’ve decided to move to the greatest city on Earth (or at
least within the M25), but London is big. You can’t just point Rightmove at 607
square miles and hope for the best unless you’ve got a real masochistic streak
(or lots of time on your hands). With it harder than ever to either rent or buy
in the city, you’ve really got to have your wits about you and focus your
search with the kind of pinpoint accuracy usually reserved for targeted
projectiles. To help aid your search and narrow down your options, here’s a
handy guide to some of the areas of London you may be tempted by.
Clapham
You can’t stay at university forever, but you can move to
Clapham and pretend you never left. A pilgrimage many graduates make from university
cities across the north, round the South Circular, Clapham is the student part
of town for those who have nailed down a place on a respectable graduate
scheme. A place where a major employer is ‘Brunch,’ Clapham real does cater to
the aspiring management consultant who wants to be able to ease themselves into
the world of work. This does lend a bit of a Stepford feel to the area, with
the same haircuts and gilets dotted at every bar. Yet, despite all the aspiration
feel, it’s also home to one of London’s cultural institutions – Infernos. A
place where, if the walls could talk, they’d be arrested for indecency2,
it is the last word in disgraceful nightspots. All of this does mean that Clapham
is not for anyone concerned about their age. This is a young person’s place, at
least as life’s staging post for the comfortably middle class on the way to
Beckenham. The other thing to be aware of is transport. It may be on the tube
network, but that is more aspirational than transportational.
Stratford
The Olympics were great, weren’t they? Gold medals, the Queen
skydiving, George Osborne being booed – all these memories are in the Stratford
air3. Once derelict industrial wasteland, now a gleaming tribute to failed
Australian real estate conglomerates and Karren Brady, Stratford managed to
drag the centre of London eastwards. All the investment for 2012 delivered lots
of decent housing, fantastic facilities, and great connections into the city. Yet
Stratford has a bit of a Potemkin feel to it. Behind the glass, steel, and
concrete, what is there? On paper, it’s a perfect place to call home, but it
lacks a character and community. Every bar and restaurant feels like a
marketing exercise, engineered by experts to target key demographics and
extract the maximum value per seat, whilst producing organically choreographed
instagrammable moments. When the Lizzy line is fully up and running, you’ll be
able to get into the city in record time. You’ll need it in order to find something
to do.
Camden
Camden has an allure to people outside of London that is inexplicable
to anyone who has ever experienced Camden. The urban equivalent of the aging
punk who now thinks that Jacob Rees-Mogg has some clever ideas, Camden hasn’t realised
that it isn’t what it once was. It seems to only exist to rip off tourists,
either legally or not. The once eccentric market now exclusively sells Oxford
University hoodies and churros. There are still good nights out to be had in Camden,
but these are needles in the haystack of mediocre watering holes that exist
purely to service organised bar crawls from some nearby hostel. On top of this,
it’s guaranteed that anywhere you can find to live in Camden will be either a) some
dank room in an exhausted house share or b) a canal boat with limited mooring
rights. But despite the air of decay, Camden is for you!
Soho
Are you a wannabe sixties star who is looking for a cheap room
and board whilst trying to make it big in the music biz? Have you rented a room
above a late-night cinema from a shifty fellow who assures you that
nothing untoward happened to the previous lodger? Or do you enjoy writing petitions
to Westminster council saying that London’s premier night-time entertainment
venue should turn it down after 10pm? If so, Soho would be perfect for you!
Tottenham Hale
Pros: Easy to get to Stansted.
Cons: They closed the Ikea.
Anywhere in West London
Don’t live in West London. It’s practically Reading.
Obviously there’s more to London than just the six areas
above, but the above will give you a pretty decent idea of where to live3
if you make the big move.
1At this rate, every opinion on the monarchy it
is possible to have has been written, published, reacted to, regurgitated,
summarised, expanded upon and parodied already. I can’t compete with the hot
take industry.
2And the carpet would beg for mercy
3Or not